Also ich hab mich gut amüsiert als ich heute Morgen den Artikel hier auf EvE-Tribune gelesen hab.
Viel Spass damit!
Smacktalk: A Primer on How To Do It.A Hypothetical Situation:
Imagine… You are the state of the badass art, flying in the most deadly pirate predator this side of 0.0 space. Your jet black curse is fully faction fitted with Dark Blood Nosferatu and fearsome modules, ready to pick apart any helpless miner like the fearless space hero you are. You enter a new system and find three targets on Local. You track one down, a lone ratter hanging around in a Brutix. You think to yourself that this could be one nice and easy kill.
You orbit, engaging Electronics Warfare modules while sucking the ever living crap out of that poor battlecruiser’s capacitor. You are so daring, never risking getting shot back while making your opponent’s cap hit total zero. Suddenly, two others warp in and you are beset by a Blackbird and Tempest. You fight, but just can’t do a thing against them through the gunfire and jamming. Your meager attempts to escape run into the noobish trap of getting stuck on an asteroid. Seconds later, your expensively fit half-billion isk Combat Recon turns into a cloud of dust. Worse yet, every single expensive faction module survived and are now resting in that stupid Brutix’s cargo bay, ready to hit the Contracts in Jita any minute now. You just helped him make five hundred million ISK with your attempt.
What do you do? Why, smacktalk the hell out of them of course. Like any red-blooded pirate too afraid to fly anything but a souped up tech 2 hull armored with layers of thickly wadded money, you spam local with your cries and remarks. But do you know how?
Let’s take a few lessons from the pros, by seeing how they smacktalk!
Rule #1: The guys who killed you are total cheaters.
That’s right. There’s no way a total badass like yourself could have done any kind of noobish mistake and gotten killed. The only way that is possible if the defenseless targets you were gunning for cheated! Perhaps some of them are Devs and spawned a doomsday bomb into your cargo hold, or maybe they used lag and hacking to screw up your connection!
Be sure to yell explicitly on how there’s no way ‘lowlifes’ like them could have ever touched your magnificence. This leads me to the next point.
Rule #2: Make sure they know that you are better than them.
You must not forget to repeatedly mention how these ‘peasants’ or ‘noobs’ don’t know crap, while highborn nobility such as yourself are total pros from back in the Pre-alpha release. Perhaps to further emphasize the point, you should suggest that your opponents are all sons and daughters of prostitutes. Such characterful additions to your smack talk on local show your fine character and class, no doubt striking fear into their hearts should they ever encounter you again.
Rule #3: Remind them you have powerful friends.
Peasants like them couldn’t possibly comprehend what a mistake they did, cheating to kill you. One thing never fails to strike terror in their hearts, and that is appealing to your most deadly of allies of course!
Brag and gloat about your connections with ‘BloB’ or whatever that big alliance thingie is in the bottom left of the map. Talk about how you’ll put a twenty trillion ISK contract on their heads by talking to your good friend Selena, leader of the Mercenary Coalition. You of course, pay them to do these things, since a PvP god of your caliber is above destroying such noobs.
Rule #4: Be sure to use ‘flavorful’ racial slurs at random!
Nothing tells your opponent that they are weak and pathetic than to assign them random derogatory ethnic names. Did a Caldari Raven somehow destroy your 2 billion ISK Nanophoon and pod you because you were stupid enough to sit around AFK in a belt? Be sure to call him something anti-Semitic, or some variation on a common slur for black people! Are you irked that your complete ninja skills deserved better, but that cheating target of yours somehow hacked your computer into aggroing CONCORD? Shout loudly that he is a homosexual.
Whatever happens, be sure to say the most offensive thing possible. After all, the best defense is a strong offense-based vocabulary.
Rule #5: CAPITAL LETTERS SHOW THAT YOU MEAN BUSINESS.
YOU GET THAT? Loudness shows just how damn angry you are. If you aren’t talking in caps, you aren’t putting enough feeling in destroying the pitiful souls of your victims like a spaceship flying grim reaper. Their morale will be crushed by the sheer force of your rage and will. Even better, yell into your own room or into your own teamspeak line. Invite your enemies to listen to you yell.
Just remember the lesson you first learned as a baby being spanked: There isn’t a problem in the world that can’t be solved by yelling, and possibly tearing up. Not cowardly tears of course, but manly tears like what a Space Pirate Badass like yourself would shed.
Rule #6: There’s no such thing as too much profanity.
**** you, you stupid *** jack***. It was NOT my ****ing fault that little ****s like you used lag and the god**** *** bug exploits to kill my **** ship! I’ll kill you again when I see your faces, b*tches! ***munches.
Rule #7: Nothing proves your superiority more than threatening real life physical violence.
Lastly, after all other techniques are expended, only one method is a sure-fire way of bringing the fear of your wrath into those opponents. Threaten them, and don’t let up. Tell them exactly how you’ll track down what country, state and street they live in, smashing kneecaps and crushing their skulls.
Brag about your physical prowess, martial art training and stunning good looks. On the Internet, it’s hard to tell how buff and tough an invincible juggernaut like yourself can be, as everyone assumes people are geeky white guys sitting behind a computer screen. How could they know that you are an ex-Green Beret Playboy Millionaire, if you didn’t tell them? And of course, re-iterate how you could snap their necks at a whim once you found them while stealing their womenfolk.
Summary for the Lazy:
There you go, a complete primer on the fine art of Smacktalk, known as ‘Local PvP’ by the most potent practictitioners of the art. These masters are able to dispel whole fleets without ever undocking, or so they claim. With the power of language, you too can be a true hero in the world of Eve. Sportsmanship and honor be damned, those are things elite badasses such as yourself have no need of. Now, let me demonstrate one last time.
Got that all, you stupid noobs? Need any more help? Tough. You’re not getting it. Leave so I can get back to killing you all like the scum that you are. Also, your mother works on a street corner, and I’ll stab all you beggars if you ever mess with me, because I’m tough like that and I can find out where you live.
Now get the hell out of my article.
written by Aries Acheron
